Zitonian Rhapsody

Barry Zito rides into AT&T Park on his beloved unicorn, Powder, who is eating a Dodgers hat. (Illustration by Mac)

In honor of Rally Zito, with apologies to Mr. Mercury.

 

Is this not Matt Cain?
Is this not Vogelsong?
Caught in St. Louis, no escape from Carlos Beltran
It’s not a dream, tab out to your stream and scream…

I’m a fifth starter, nobody loves me
Cause I look for strikes, cannot throw
Little high, little low
Where he sets the target doesn’t really matter to me….
To me

Bochy, I just walked a guy
Threw a curveball in the dirt; leadoff hitter, so that hurt
Bochy, had him three and two
And then I went and threw down and away
Bochy! (Ooooh, any way the curve goes)
Didn’t mean to make you sigh
If I’m not back again to pitch the second –
Never mind, never mind
It doesn’t really matter.

Too late, Righetti’s out
Try to readjust my back, my mechanics out of whack
Sorry, Buster Posey, I like to throw
To Hector cause he’s got that magic touch
San Francisco, ooh-ooooh
I’m not gonna lie
I sometimes wish I’d never been signed at all

Soulful guitar solo

I see a little Holliday-o of a Matt
He’s a douche, he’s a douche, he slid into Scutaro
KNBR CALLERS, SAY YOU’LL THROW A BALL OR THREE
Barry Zito Barry Zito!
Barry Zito Barry Zito!
Barry Zito, Twelve and O-oh-oh-oh

I’m overpaid, but hey can you blame me?
HE’S OVERPAID, BUT RIGHT NOW THAT’S NOT THE POINT
SAVE US FROM ROOTING FOR GODDAMN DETROIT!

Fastball’s up, pretty slow
Slider’s missing low, it’s three-and-OH,
BARRY CAN YOU THROW the curveball?
It’s three-and-OH,
BARRY CAN YOU THROW the curveball?
Three-and-oh, BARRY CAN YOU THROW
The curveball three and oh?
The curveball three and oh-oh-oh-oh
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go
Warm up Mota, warm up Mota
Warm up Mota? Oh hell no!
Hey Crawford, time to turn a double play for me?
For me?
For me!

Commence rocking the hell out


So you think you can shell me and win this in five?
So you doubt that by next year my career’s alive?
Ooooh, Yadi
You’re gonna strike out
You’re striking out looking right here

Oooh, yeah (etc.)

I’m good for one more batter, anyone can see
I’ve got one more batter
I’ve got one more batter…in me

Any way the curve goes…

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