Rampant Speculation: Shane Victori—PLEASE NO NEVER $#!%

Here’s a logo because there is no way an image of Victorino will appear on this website if I can help it.

The Giants are apparently interested in Shane Victorino. You know, that peeled banana that’s been left out in the kitchen for three days with the fruit flies hovering around.

Victorino is the peeled banana. His evil is the fruit flies.

And there are about five or six thousand reasons against the Giants signing him.

This has nothing to do with the brawl between Victorino and multiple Giants in 2011. It’s been known that Victorino is a pretty dirty player, which, y’know, hey, that’s exactly what the Giants need!*

Victorino’s 2012 is TOTALLY what the Giants need for 2013. Man, can you imagine that .383 SLG in AT&T park for 81 games? That’s just gonna be the best. I can imagine the .310 wOBA just running through the Giants’ offense.**

What the Giants need is an outfielder with that shiny .704 OPS leading off. Yeah, that’s it. A .321 OBP guy. Perfect.***

And then there’s this.

PLEASE, GET IT DONE SABES. For a very reasonable contract and not something that has the potential to be AARON ROWAND Aaron Rowand-esque. Because if the 2013 Giants roster were a Craigslist ad looking for outfielders, “No Victorinos” would be at the top of the criteria.

*No. Please for the love of Tim Lincecum’s French bulldog Cy, no.

**I’m crying.

***That’s not what the Giants need. The Giants have had enough of that.

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